Our inner critic and what it has to do with our self-love

- an article by Julia Lampe

We often stand in front of the mirror and are not satisfied with what we see; the skin could be clearer, the pores finer, the hips narrower and the bottom smaller...

In this article, author Julia Lampe deals with the inner critic that resides in each of us, but can be more or less pronounced. Read how we can find a healthy way to deal with it and what effects self-acceptance has on our lives and our worldview in this article from our expert series.

It is not uncommon for our lives to resemble a continuous loop; we live on a hamster wheel and feel every day that no change is happening. However, quite a lot is happening around us. Our neighbors are able to fulfill their dream of a larger car, go through life with an authentic laugh, and whenever problems do arise, a solution is found with ease. A colleague gets a promotion without seemingly having done anything earth-shattering for it.

Each of us has certainly asked ourselves at some point why things always work out for others but not for us.

In each of us resides an individual inner critic; depending on our upbringing and past, it is more or less strongly pronounced. It can speak loudly and negatively to our "self" and cause us several blocks, or it can be one of the friendlier contemporaries that guides us toward our goals and thinks we are pretty phenomenal, which is very pleasing to our self-esteem. Our life proceeds accordingly.

Just close your eyes for a moment, take a few deep breaths, and simply feel within yourself how much you love yourself. For those for whom the word is too powerful, you can also replace it with acceptance: how much do you accept yourself as you are? Open your eyes and feel what this short but crisp exercise has done to you. Do you feel comfortable, or is there a queasy feeling inside you?

We have surely all occupied ourselves with the topic of self-love, also known as self-acceptance or self-regard. Self-love accompanies us on our life's path 24/7, 365 days a year, for a lifetime. This is the biggest puzzle piece for living a fulfilled life.

If, however, we don't think much of ourselves, our inner critic gains the upper hand and brings us a whole lot of trouble in the form of blocks.

A lack of self-love distorts our perception, and we often stand in our own way. The resulting blocks determine our perception and thus our view of the world.

Often we feel that something is wrong; if we are brave enough to look a little closer, we might even find out what mischief our inner critic is up to again and where it is blocking us through its presence. Unfortunately, our inner work often stops here because the difficult part begins, as it can hurt for a moment. In such moments, we prefer to reach for our cell phone, grab a bag of chips, or continue watching our favorite series to distract ourselves.

However, this part doesn't actually have to be that difficult.

Emotional pain can feel infinite, although the actual pain only lasts for a few moments or minutes. Of course, I am not talking here about the emotional pain we suffer during the loss of a loved one or traumatic life events, but rather about the emotional pain that concerns ourselves, when we begin our inner cleanup work.

With our awareness, we have taken the first step; now it is time to consider what our current state is, what goal we would like to achieve, and what target feeling we would like to feel.

It always helps to make a few notes. The saying "He who writes, stays!" is fully applicable here. Writing down thoughts and feelings gives us clarity and stimulates our brain for self-reflection.

Let's take the following example: we are not exactly champions at setting boundaries, but keep treading water. We constantly say yes to others, which always means a no to ourselves and further minimizes our self-worth. We now know about our weakness and want to finally overcome it, because it robs us of the strength and energy to fulfill our wishes or even just to get through the day.

The only thing we can change here is our behavior!

Let's just play a little self-staged roleplay. Our rational self and our emotional self meet.

The rational self says: "So, you've decided to listen more to your wishes from now on?" And the emotional self replies: "Yes, but what will the others think of me if I no longer adapt and subordinate myself?" Then the rational self replies: "Stop! Your thoughts are not productive. What is your goal and how do you want to feel?"

A great advantage of such a roleplay is that we become more receptive to feelings, the more often we train to anchor the new feeling at the emotional level after new decisions. We thus overwrite our old patterns and feelings - that is the moment when change occurs.

If we never encounter our negative feelings, we also don't learn how to deal with them. Learning to endure unpleasant feelings in order to be able to develop further is the personal key to the door. Thus, we stop living in avoidance and break free from old life situations and patterns.

An estimated 8 billion people carry blocks and unpleasant feelings, so no one is alone in this. However, everyone decides for themselves what they do with them.

The feeling of being at the mercy of life or losing control for a moment in order to be able to develop further is up to each individual.

Control is the answer to fear, unless I have trust.

Consciously deciding to have more trust so that some things fall into place is not hard at all! If one asks oneself the question of what is the worst that can happen if I start trusting myself and life, no threatening answer follows.

I have already decided and choose trust - who feels like joining in?